I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
