i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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