Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
