Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
