Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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