I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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