you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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