Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
