Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
