The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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