and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
