So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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