woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
