I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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