so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
