I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
