I wish I could teleport
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
