Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
