all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Let's get the cat blown out
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
