you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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