I wish I could teleport
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
