Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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