Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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