Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
