and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
