so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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