i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
