when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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