Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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