i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
