the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
