its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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