I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize