i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
