she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
