clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
