Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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