i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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