i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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