No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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