Who did Billy Mays play for?
if only i could text you this smell
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
