i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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