I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
