I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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