My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
