All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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