I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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