When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
