Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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