Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
