I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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