i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
