i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
