oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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