First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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