There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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