thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
