apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
