My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
