I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
