apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
