My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
